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HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
My therapist after every session
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.