I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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This was a bad idea all around
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.