Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.