*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool