I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend