*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
blocked.
The future is now.
A small tragedy.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !