My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My inexpensive home security system…
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion