Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
fired
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.