When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I think I’ll stand
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
this will hang in the louvre one day
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut