As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Anyone want a chair?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My safe word is Worcestershire
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza