Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
You Might Also Like
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My god she’s good.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.