Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
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millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are