The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
this will hang in the louvre one day
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them