I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
You Might Also Like
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.