I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
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Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
58.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again