ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
#Caturday
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.