looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
You Might Also Like
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.