Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
You Might Also Like
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
My friend is an excellent librarian.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it