Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You Might Also Like
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
#Caturday
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.