So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
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Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.