my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I got bills
They’re multiplying