My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
You Might Also Like
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!