When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*