[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.