My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
bury ourselves
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”