Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I’ve been learning to cook.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out