Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me irl
can’t talk my ride’s here
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*