Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I can’t be the only one 😂
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)