how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me