Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
oh my god
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.