My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.