SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
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Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
The Birdles
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Trying
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back