Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Oh yeah that’s it
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?