I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
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“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.