Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
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even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Cats are still liquid.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
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Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
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[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
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Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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-Why do you make your face look evil?
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