if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro