Goat cheese is for herders.
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
the battle rages on
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Happens to everyone.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.