[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
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EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Need WebMD
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring