People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”