*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Lmbo
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.