BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A tragic love story in two pictures.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Nothing.