[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
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Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god