If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
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I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
What a year we’ve had this week.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva