If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I enjoy a good short stor
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.