I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!