When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
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Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”