Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
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Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR