VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I never needed anything more in my life
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Spa day..😅
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”