My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
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me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?