My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
You Might Also Like
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
is this meant to deter me
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
RT if you know someone like this!!!
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.